the reason i didn't have power for two days this week

these women are my heroes

these brave ladies are protesting limitations to their rights in the face of angry crowds three times their size. read about it

running to stand still

last week i...

had my parents visiting for 4 days
got to talk to Boy on the phone (he was in the airport on his way to Tirana)
visited Atlanta's lovely botanical gardens
wrote/edited two drafts of my thesis
actually attended my classes
took a midterm
worked 20 hours
went to a cabin for the weekend
actually went to 3 hours of church (1st time in at least 6 weeks)
planned & semi-hosted an easter dinner

... i am so tired.

crying

the other night some friends & i were talking about crying & how long it had been since we'd cried. it ranged from 12 hours (a girl) to over a year (a boy. i know you're shocked). i don't really enjoy crying. it makes me SO uncomfortable if other people are around when i cry. i was thinking about the people i've felt comfortable crying in front of during my life. it was a short list:

1. Boy

2. my mission comp of 7 months

3. one roommate/best friend from pre-mission BYU years

4. one (and only one) of my ex-boyfriends

the borders of our lives

topics i've discussed on 1st dates with mormon boys:

1. my hatred for pioneer day & the pioneers in general

2. how my gay aunt is my favorite aunt

3. why i think abortion should being legal

4. how pap smears are done

old addictions rear their ugly heads again

i've been on my feminist soapbox for about a month now. a variety random things have contributed to this renewed level of frustration. sadly, they all involved "The Church". the two things that bothered me the most, however, did not come from disappointing lessons or incredibly misguided ward activities (although those occurred). rather, they were communications i had that left me feeling very depressed about the perspectives of my generation on women in the church.

the first was an email i received from a friend of ChurchGirl who was interested in getting an MPH and had some questions. in providing me with some background about herself she talked at length about how she really wanted to be a doctor, but had realized that, "Being an MD, especially as a female physician, does not allow a mother to tend properly to her life outside of her practice." now, i am positive that this girl did not know that my mother is a female physician. or that i am so proud of having a doctor-mom & feel it is a huge blessing in my life. nevertheless, i was extremely offended/disappointed that she felt female physicians were incapable of being a good mothers. in my reply i tried to actually discuss her MPH questions, but i couldn't stop myself and the first paragraph was all about how even righteous LDS women could be doctors.

the second came from a conversation with some church friends about women issues.
(aside: my ward has had some feminist fervor lately brought on by a ward activity in which women made food for the men and then auctioned themselves off like cars for the men's choosing. only 4 women went.)
anyway, during this conversation i said something about how sometimes going to church makes me feel worse about myself because i am a woman. and PC - the close friend PC, the "he gives me hope that mormon men can be both progressive/open-minded and dedicated to the church" PC, the admires his very independent mother PC - that PC said "oh, come on, do you ACTUALLY feel like that at church?" in his "you are being extreme and ridiculous" voice. i was shocked. how could he think that i wouldn't feel like that? i feel like i have failed in that friendship somehow.


i think the reason these interactions upset me was because they happened with individual people from whom i expected more awareness. when the ward/church disappoints me, i just tell myself "that is the older generation. things are changing" or "those crazy people. i'm glad i have friends who understand me". perhaps my expectations have been too high. perhaps i am too sensitive to women's issues. either way, i'm left wondering whether i'll ever be at peace with "The Church"

traveling thoughts

i flew to NJ today. as i took the train from Newark down the coast to my grandparent's house, i thought about two things:

1) as soon as i arrive in NJ i am always ruder, more impatient, & more hurried. i think i subconciously feel i HAVE to act this way in NJ in order to relate to the culture here.

2) northern NJ is a trashy crap hole