grief is a funny thing

My grandmother passed away last night. She had a bad case of pneumonia a few weeks ago & almost died. Since then, we’ve just been waiting as it was clearly coming soon. I am grateful that I’ve had the past couple weeks to emotionally prepare myself. She was my last living grandparent & the one I felt closest too by far. I will miss her dearly.

With her death, I’ve been reflecting on the strangest of grief and how it exhibits itself. My mother told me in an email this morning (she is out of the country & couldn’t call). When I read it, I felt nothing and immediately sought out my favorite coping mechanism (online TV, of course) to keep it that way. I decided to go to work b/c I wasn’t crying or anything and had to get stuff done. But I was in a terribly pissy mood – I didn’t want to tell anyone about my grandmother but I also wasn’t up for the typical office chatting. After finishing the most vital work, I decided to go home. I told my office mate, who I am pretty close to (for work), that I was leaving. As I told her why, all of those feelings of sadness came and I basically ran out of the office and cried in the bathroom until I could compose myself to ride the elevator down without crying.

This is a common thing, being fine until you tell someone else. Even though you know it & it is real, somehow telling someone else makes it emotionally real. There is something about sharing your grief with others that allows you to feel it more. And I think that is a good thing. Having those emotions helps you to process the event and eventually come to terms with it.

But there is still no way in hell I’m letting anyone at work see me cry.

My darling grandparents. They were married almost 70 years.