grief is a funny thing

My grandmother passed away last night. She had a bad case of pneumonia a few weeks ago & almost died. Since then, we’ve just been waiting as it was clearly coming soon. I am grateful that I’ve had the past couple weeks to emotionally prepare myself. She was my last living grandparent & the one I felt closest too by far. I will miss her dearly.

With her death, I’ve been reflecting on the strangest of grief and how it exhibits itself. My mother told me in an email this morning (she is out of the country & couldn’t call). When I read it, I felt nothing and immediately sought out my favorite coping mechanism (online TV, of course) to keep it that way. I decided to go to work b/c I wasn’t crying or anything and had to get stuff done. But I was in a terribly pissy mood – I didn’t want to tell anyone about my grandmother but I also wasn’t up for the typical office chatting. After finishing the most vital work, I decided to go home. I told my office mate, who I am pretty close to (for work), that I was leaving. As I told her why, all of those feelings of sadness came and I basically ran out of the office and cried in the bathroom until I could compose myself to ride the elevator down without crying.

This is a common thing, being fine until you tell someone else. Even though you know it & it is real, somehow telling someone else makes it emotionally real. There is something about sharing your grief with others that allows you to feel it more. And I think that is a good thing. Having those emotions helps you to process the event and eventually come to terms with it.

But there is still no way in hell I’m letting anyone at work see me cry.

My darling grandparents. They were married almost 70 years.

update

More dreams. Last night there was one about a serial killer with creepy scenes in the woods at night. And, another crazy dog attack (don't worry, in this dream, I shot the dog, so I won). I'm not scared of dogs (i'm more scared of guns than dogs). I don't know where those ones are coming from.

funding drive

Dear NPR,

The more you talk about how I should be giving you money, the less I am inclined to do it. And, stop pretending like you don't have ads like all other radio stations. See you next week or whenever you decide to stop being so annoying.

denial is never totally possible

I usually have weird/happy dreams, but when I am stressed I have nightmares. Particularly when I am not releasing that stress in other ways. My last year in college I had a stat theory class that was extremely challenging (mostly b/c the professor was crap). One night before our first test I had a dream that consisted only of probability symbols and calculus. Worst. dream. ever.

Usually these bad dreams are not that specific to the situation. For example, during the most stressful time of my mission, I had extremely disturbing & horribly violent dreams. (Like, Quentin Tarantino movie violent) Last night I dreamed about fighting with my imaginary dream-induced boyfriend, being attacked by dogs, & my little brother dying on his mission... I think my subconscious is a little stressed.

this explains so much

a conversation i had with my mother today:

me: i was going to deposit my entire tax return into my mutual fund for savings, but i decided to take $200 from it and buy work clothes and then put the rest into savings

mom: yes! you should absolutely NOT deposit it all into savings and you absolutely SHOULD spend some on clothes & whatever else you want

this is the same woman who told me to take a semester off college and just ski. true story.

Easter with the Babies

I spent Easter weekend with my beloved grandmother, older sister, & the nieces. It was lovely.

Two of The Manorexic's sisters came to visit with their families.

Mikaela in her crawling tunnel

Caitlin playing her favorite game - take everything out of bags & throw it all over the floor.

Aelish at the beach. Before we went I asked her what she wanted to do at the beach. She said, "I'm gonna put sand in my hair!" Way to dream big, kid.